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Adderall: A New Initiative for Midterm Season

THIS IS A SATIRE FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES. THE FACTS STATED ARE NOT FACTS AT ALL, THEY ARE LIES. DO NOT TAKE ADDERALL UNLESS PRESCRIBED BY A DOCTOR.

University administration has announced a new initiative to improve student success during midterm season. For the remainder of October, the campus pharmacy will be handing out free samples of Adderall for all undergraduate students.

This new initiative is in response to the increasing demand for cognitive enhancers among the student body. Once the university administration realized how much money students were spending on these diverted stimulants, they quickly rolled out a strategy to help improve student performance and save students money.

An All-Win Scenario

“We’re saving students money by providing something for free, enhancing their dedication to school, and we’re getting the most out of our current drug and dental plan by taking as much of their drugs as we can,” a spokesperson from the Office of Public Affairs and Communications commented. “It’s an all-around win.”

Some critics have raised concerns about this new initiative undermining the struggles of students with ADHD who have been legally prescribed similar medications to address their medical needs. “Some people think that giving this drug out as a study-aid is only increasing the stigma associated with ADHD, specifically the issue that many people don’t believe ADHD is a real condition,” the spokesperson said.

“The important question is, are there really students with ADHD who will face more issues because of this initiative? And the answer to that is, of course there are, but they’re in the minority so it’s fine for us to exploit them.”

Campus Pharmacy Remains Neutral

Staff members of the campus pharmacy have announced ambivalence toward this issue. One anonymous staffer has commented, “The administration wanted to do something to address health concerns, both physical and mental, and they came to the conclusion that the best way to address both simultaneously is to embrace the sterile, clinical, impersonal world of pharmaceuticals.”

The staffer went on to discuss their neutral stance. “At low doses, the improvements are extremely modest, but then the placebo effect kicks in and suddenly our student success looks great on paper. Now, are there negative side effects to taking these meds? Absolutely, but up to 35% of students are taking them whether we hand them out or not, so we’re just going with the flow.”

Students Support New Program

Jake Lacan, a third-year physics major, is an adamant supporter of the program.

“I’ve been taking drugs since first year anyway, but now they wanna give them out for free? I say heck yeah. I’m already gonna die in debt, so every saved penny helps.”

Lacan is aware of the initiative’s critics but is still an enthusiast participant.

“There’s always gonna be side effects, but it’s up to each individual to decide whether the pros outweigh the cons. In my case, my physical, mental, and emotional health have all drastically plummeted, but my marks have never been better. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what’s most important? I know lots of people who say that our society’s overmedicated, but those people need to take a fucking Xanax and chill out.”

Lacan then went into detail about his many side effects, including high blood pressure, insomnia, sexual dysfunction, and anxiety.

The university administration would also like it to be noted that this initiative would never have been possible were it not for the considerable demand in cognitive enhancers among students. The campus pharmacy can be located on the basement level of the CAW student centre.

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