THIS IS A SATIRE. FACTS AND EVENTS HAVE BEEN DRAMATICALLY SKEWED FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT.
By Joshua Boucher
An unorthodox move by the UWSA proved to enhance ticket sales during Welcome Week’s Foam Party, which was the last of the nightly Welcome Week tent parties.
The party was intended to consist of soap suds raining down from a suspended overhead bucket, occasional blasts from a fire extinguisher, an epileptic-unfriendly light show, and, of course, loud music. The festivities initiated as expected, but were eventually cut short by a surprise power outage—or so it seemed at the time.
While the power was out, the lights, foam, and music were all out of commission until repairs could be made. This failed to stop the party, however, as the audience continued singing, dancing, and chanting while some personnel swung their smartphones’ lights back and forth through the air. While some students certainly decided to leave the tent once the power was out—with one estimate putting the number at roughly 100 people—an equal number of students who were waiting in line soon filled the void that was left in the tent.
After about 30 minutes of darkness, the power was eventually restored, with the UWSA expressing their gratitude over Instagram, “AV GUY IS IN THE HOUSE [‘collision’ emoji][‘sweat droplets’ emoji].”
Since the power outage allowed new people entry into the party, it resulted in both greater ticket sales and increased purchases in hot dogs and snacks, thus widely considered a blessing in disguise. It has since been suggested, however, that the blackout may not have been so accidental after all. Over the weekend, a concerned student reported to The Lance that they believe the UWSA has been planning #BlackOut2018, as the event has been dubbed on Instagram since the results of last year’s election were announced.
This anonymous student, who I will call Irene to protect their identity, has claimed they have been closely following the UWSA’s movements in relation to the electricity on campus, and they have come to one conclusion, that the UWSA “intentionally got the power shut down during the foam party so they could make even more money.” This information was provided to The Lance in a private interview that occurred in an undisclosed location. The location will remain a secret, not by editor’s choice, but because blindfolds were used to keep the specific location unknown.
During the interview, reporters from The Lance noted the presence of a bulletin board with pictures of several UWSA executive members, each connected to each other with strings of blue thread, as well as connected to various newspaper clippings by strings of red thread. Among the headlines were post-it notes with brief messages such as “Cartier elevator rigged?” and “Where does the internet go at night?”
The interview with Irene was unfortunately cut short by the emergence of various people in ski masks intruding and firing what we can only guess were tranquilizer darts into each of us present in the room. Each staff member awoke in their respective beds the next day, but Irene was never heard from again. While we at The Lance are certainly not suggesting that the UWSA is involved in a campus-wide conspiracy to enhance their financial gain by exploiting the proletariat student body, it was clear that Irene believed that that was the case, and whatever happened to them will remain a mystery for the foreseeable future.
As we begin to enter a new academic year, it is important to seriously question where this institution is headed. The Foam Party was last week. What’s done is done, and cannot be undone. But the rest of the future is uncertain. Do we know who holds the power at this university? Do any of us truly know how electricity even works? And can any of us be certain that an unexpected blackout won’t occur again, perhaps in much more dire circumstances? These are the questions that have kept us at The Lance awake at night. We hope that by exposing this story, we may all find some greater, inner peace.
Take care of each other. It’s a dangerous world out there.
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