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Free Speech to be Cancelled

By Joshua Boucher

The following article is satire. While the events described from February 19th actually happened, everything else lost the popular vote and was only elected because of district gerrymandering.

Ontario Premier Doug Ford has responded to student protestors for what he hopes to be the last time. On February 19th last week, students disrupted Ontario’s legislature to protest the government’s changes to university funding for the next two years. In response to this shameful exercise of free speech and political action, Premier Ford responded that the students, whom he referred to as kids with filthy mouths, “should have their mouths washed out with soap.”

Hoping that this level headed, professional, well thought out scolding and infantilization of the province’s youth would be enough, Ford was reportedly surprised to hear that his statement was met with some backlash from students and opposition members alike.

Disciplining the Brats

In response to this backlash, Premier Ford has announced that free speech will be postponed until the election of a new government. “These kids can’t just tell their elected representatives what they want or don’t want from the government,” Ford said. “These foulmouthed brats need to be taught a lesson.” In addition to the postponement of free speech, the Ontario PCs are also looking into the possibility of instituting a ‘Time Out Chair’ for all those “naughty kids who need to be kept quiet when the adults are legislating,” according to a spokesperson from the legislature.

While the Time Out Chair is still in the early stages of consideration, it was confirmed that it would not be revealed until the next election cycle, when voters might be tempted to voice their opinions.

Opposition Opposes Propositions

These plans, while met with nearly unanimous support within the PC party, were less well received by members of the opposition. A spokesperson from the Ontario New Democratic Party reached out to defend the protests, saying “Of course it’s always ideal to have a calm and reasonable debate with people when you disagree with each other, but sometimes the other parties won’t listen to reason and you just need to resort to banging on your desk and shouting ‘no’ so they don’t halve the size of a city council, no matter how unparliamentary it may be…as a hypothetical example, of course.”

Members of the Green and Liberal parties were not reached for comment because neither of them have enough seats to be relevant.

Brats Bite Back

Ontario students were similarly unenthusiastic about the changes. Karl Bateman, a University of Windsor student, was reached for comment: “I think it’s pretty unreasonable for a democratic government to complain about the electorate voicing their qualms with the government, but hey, I guess some people aren’t used to being told they can’t do something.” Bateman went on to consider the government’s next moves. “If they think we should be able to opt out of our non-essential fees, shouldn’t we also opt out of taxes we don’t want to pay? Like, say, the portion of taxes that go toward the $200 thousand salary of a premier who’s already a multimillionaire?”

The answer to these questions, and more will only come with time.

 

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