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Grumpy Grads-To-Be

By Joshua Boucher

The following article is satire, but the experiences are probably familiar. That’s just how it is sometimes.

It’s that time of year again, folks. As the semester rolls to a close, spades of students stare down the barrel of their imminent graduation. Some are happy, finally free of the confines of the Canadian education system; but there are others with mixed feelings. School being something they’ve known for nearly their entire lives, these students are wrestling with the looming uncertainty of their future lives. In the spirit of this season, a representative sampling of students was reached for comment so that we may explore the common fears and concerns of these future alumni.

The Never-Ending Education

Adam Erlenmeyer, a chemistry major who is finishing his fifth and final year at the University of Windsor, expressed his plans to go directly into graduate school this fall. “I’m just not quite ready to leave the school environment,” Erlenmeyer said. “I’m not sure that I’ve really developed any skills outside of the lab and the classroom, so starting my real adult life seems like a stretch.”

Erlenmeyer attributed this uncertainty to never really having exercised autonomy throughout his 23 years of life. “I’m so used to just being given an assignment and doing what’s asked of me, but now I’m supposed to start making my own life decisions? Please, the last time I did anything with confidence was when I performed a t-test in stats.”

Although worried about his growing student loan debt, Erlenmeyer is looking forward to doing more of the same thing for the next two to four years of his life. “I’ll figure out what I’m interested in after my masters. Or PhD, I think. Maybe I’ll be a professor…I don’t know.”

Unhappy Travels

Tara Monde, a fourth year environmental studies student has different plans for life after her undergraduate. An avid scholar of the world and its issues, Monde has stated that she wants to see the world for herself through traveling. “I’ve always been interested in environmental issues, so traveling and seeing the planet slowing drawing its agonic breaths as we plunge her deeper and deeper into chaos will be really nice for me. Especially when I’m bouncing around between hostels instead of actually doing anything to solve the world’s issues.”

Monde has also explained that traveling will present, she hopes, a more personal experience as well. “I think traveling will be a good opportunity to find myself. I’ve spent nearly a quarter century inside my own body and still don’t know who I am, so maybe ‘myself’ is in Pakistan or something.” At the very least, she should be able to get some good pictures.

Home Sweet Home

Brooke Reid is yet another grad-to-be who will be completing her degree in creative writing. A long time lover of books, Reid chose her degree based on that single hobby with no thought given to life after her undergrad. Nevertheless, she looks forward to having even more free time after graduating – to work through her “to read” list.

“I wouldn’t say I regret this degree,” she said in an interview earlier this week, “but when I think about professional skill that I’ve learned and career paths I can take, it probably would have been better to go into communications or library and information sciences.”

With no solid career plans after graduation, Reid will return to her hometown in the Greater Toronto Area. “I know I really love reading and writing, but school’s been the only consistent environment where I can do those things occupationally. Until I find a job in that field, I’m thinking I’ll just start working on making a personality beyond essay writing. It should be fun.”

If you’re one of the many students graduating after this semester, good luck. If you, however, are not…enjoy it while it lasts.


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