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HEARTWARMING: Student Actually Optimistic About Job Prospects

By Joshua Boucher

The following article is satire. Facts have been skewed for your entertainment, but the feelings are real.

Earlier this week, a fourth-year student said that he feels confident in his job prospects. Alex Barton, the student in question, will be completing his degree this semester with a major in chemistry. Barton was overheard talking to his classmates about their plans for after graduation. When reached for comment, Barton confirmed that he actually believes he will get a job relevant to his degree after graduation.

Generation Jobless

It’s rare to find people who share Barton’s optimism about their professional life. Indeed, most students have reported feeling an immense sense of dread in regard to their uncertain future. Usually, the most optimistic among them look forward to being overworked and underpaid.

Take, for example, Sally Avert. Avert is a fifth-year student and graduate to be. Currently majoring in computer science, Avert is looking forward to having the opportunity to work at an unpaid internship on a six-month contract at a major tech firm. “I think it’ll be really good to get as much experience as I can before I end up working at my high school customer service job anyway,” Avert said in an interview. “I think it will be really eye-opening…you know, in a disillusioning sort of way.”

Or, consider instead the perspective of Leon Garrett. Garrett is a fourth-year student set to graduate this spring with a bachelor’s degree in economics. Garrett is a more proactive student who is already applying what he’s learned to his professional plan.

“So, basically what I’ve learned from my program so far,” he said, “is that the economy is shit and we’re all graduating into a workforce where youth are chronically under- or misemployed. You can blame baby boomers taking up too many jobs. You can blame the stigma surrounding skilled trades as a career path that indirectly motivated us to pursue university. It doesn’t really matter. The important take away is to just…be on good terms with your parents so you have a place to stay when you’re done.”

Hurdles to Overcome

On the other hand, some students have reported feeling optimistic about the future overall, even though they are pessimistic about their job prospects.

One such student is Robert Pluton, a philosophy major who is expecting to graduate after this year’s summer semester. Pluton has commented, “Being a philosophy major, I was never really expecting to get a steady job after graduation anyway. I believe that pursuing your passion is more important than pursuing a stable career path. Sure, I’ll be financially insecure for the rest of my life, but at least I have, like, a soul.”

And there are other students who view their prospects as a hurdle they can’t wait to overcome. Olive Verworkt, a fourth-year business student, is aware that she has no guarantee of finding a stable job after graduation but views this as the kind of challenge that builds character. “So I might need to work three jobs with no benefits and shit pay,” she reported earlier this week, “but, that’s showbiz, baby. I’m already doing course overload and working two jobs while managing a club because that’s just what you gotta do to stay ahead these days. How much harder could working three jobs be without courses?”

Despite her energetic demeanour, Verworkt admitted that there are days when it all seemed a bit too much to handle. “There are times when I start wearing down and I feel like I’m about to burn out, but then I just do a line and down a Red Bull and I’m good to go again. The grind never stops.”

If you are a student expecting to graduate after this semester and you feel uncertain about your future career, at least now you know you’re not alone.


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