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Keeping Warm This Winter Season

By Joshua Boucher

This article is satire. All facts have been randomly pulled out of a hat for your entertainment. The Lance and its employees are neither legally nor morally responsible for any crimes that occur as a result of taking this advice seriously.

It is the worst time of the year, folks. Technically, it’s not winter until December 21st rolls around, but it’s cold outside so I don’t really care about technicalities. Winter is here. I saw snow the other day. There’s a windchill, and it’s gross.

With all that in mind, here’s a list of unconventional ways you can keep warm this winter season.

Pyrokinesis

What better way to keep warm this winter season than by channelling your inner power to summon and manipulate your very own fire? Dr. Aaden Ignatius is a professor of parapsychology who claims he has cracked the secret to unlocking an individual’s life energy and commanding it to take the form of fire and flames.

Based on the last ten years of his research, he will be hosting a workshop in the CAW courtyard over the winter break to teach his methods to whoever is interested. While Dr. Ignatius is optimistic and confident in his process, he does want to forewarn potential attendees that the skill is extremely rare to develop. So rare, in fact, that he has yet to find anyone who has achieved pyrokinetic skill.

Enhance Global Warming

You’re probably familiar with the fact that our planet’s climate has been gradually warming as a result of fossil fuel burning for energy production. It seems like people never stop talking about it, from politicians like Al Gore to actors like Leonardo DiCaprio. And that’s not even to mention all those pesky climate scientists who try to confuse us and make us feel dumb with their fancy technobabble about “shortwave radiation” and “statistically significant trends.”

They all seem to be forgetting a simple fact: winter is too darn cold. If you want to increase your chances of staying warm, just simply start contributing more and more to the warming of the Earth! The best way to go about this seems to be burning fuels that release greenhouse gases like methane and carbon dioxide. What does this mean for you? Simple. If you see something that can be burned, you should burn it. Books? Burn it. Can of gasoline? Burn it. Trees? Set them ablaze. Not only will this keep our atmosphere warmer and shorten our winters, but it will also provide plenty of nearby fires to keep us nice and toasty. A win-win!

Aerogel

Aerogel is a type of gel composed largely of gases, rather than liquids. As such, it has some pretty funky physical properties. For starters, it is ridiculously low density, meaning it can take up a lot of space while maintaining an extremely low weight. Another physical property is its extremely low thermal conductivity, making it a fantastic insulator of heat.

Taking these two properties together leads to one very simple conclusion: entrap yourself within a bubble of aerogel to keep out the bitter cold. The bubble will be lightweight so you can move around easily, and you can still wear shorts and a tee shirt while staying warm. And then there’s the benefit of feeling like a hamster, which is something I’m sure we can all say we’ve wanted to do.

This method might prove a bit tricky, though. Aerogel is sold in discs, panels, and even blankets, but finding a giant sphere can prove more difficult. You might need to resort to buying panels and warping them somehow. Another setback is the cost. A typical price for a large panel of aerogel is in the neighbourhood of $500, although you’ll get a discount if you buy them in bulk.

Whether you plan to keep warm through psychic powers, arson, or material science, keep in mind that there are people out there who don’t have as many options. Consider making donations to your local clothing drives so that we can all keep warm out there. The City of Windsor has organizations that are accepting donations like the Salvation Army and the Society of Saint Vincent de Paul. Let’s watch out for each other.

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