by: Joshua Boucher
Alternative & Opinions Writer
[Author’s note: the following article is satire. All quotes were not grown organically and may contain traces of Genetically Modified Organisms.]
The University of Windsor has decided to spruce up the CAW Student Centre by setting up an artificial holiday tree on Wednesday. Please note that it is specifically a “holiday” tree since the university is a very diverse and accepting community that would never choose to celebrate one religion over another.
After a couple of students needled the University about their use of the phrase “Holiday tree” on Instagram, the administration would like to clarify the significance of the tree and associated decorations. “I understand the confusion,” said Jean Cowlman, director of Public Affairs at the university. “It looks a lot like a Christmas tree, but if you look closely you’ll see that there’s no angel or star on the top of the tree. Therefore it can’t be a Christmas tree, obviously.”
When asked to comment on the lights and ornaments on the tree, both of which are markedly associated with Christmas, Cowlman explained, “Those are symbolic. The round ornaments aren’t Christmas tree decorations, no! They represent how well rounded our students become after their academic careers at this institution. Each light on the tree represents the bright future that a student can look forward to. It has nothing to do with Christmas.”
Some students have raised the question: If that’s the case, then why isn’t there a light for each student enrolled at the school? “Well, let’s be real,” said Cowlman. “They won’t all have bright futures.”
In the same vein, much of the garland that has been appearing on campus – namely around Chrysler hall – isn’t actually holiday decoration at all. “Students of the Earth and Environmental Science program were starting to miss the vines that used to cover Memorial Hall,” explained Jerry Smore, supervisor of the university’s Grounds Services. “We had to get rid of them because of structural concerns, but we hear students pining about it all the time; ‘It’s too bad they got rid of Vine,’ they’ll say.”
“So after a bit of backlash, we decided to introduce an invasive species of vine and let it grow throughout campus to boost morale. It’s really two birds with one stone: we get to see vines on campus again, and our university will become a greener institution.”
So there you have it. Administration hopes that all confusion has been settled in this matter, and they would like to remind students that all religious ceremonies are cautiously acknowledged, but never observed, by the University of Windsor.
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