by Joshua Boucher
The following article is satire. Facts and figures have been mass manufactured overseas for your entertainment, and may not meet with local standards of accuracy.
The University of Windsor Campus Police has announced their participation in an international manhunt for a wanted criminal known as Santa Claus. This individual is wanted for various crimes: several billion counts of breaking and entering, trespassing, violations of several nations’ airspace, and is allegedly responsible for illegal employment of countless elves.
Campus Police Joins Search
Special Constable Thomas Elwes, an officer of the Campus Police, held a press conference earlier this week. He appeared to be a man who regularly injected himself with espresso shots like they were heroin. If crime never sleeps, his tired expression seemed to say, then neither can I.
“This criminal,” Elwes said through gritted teeth, “has been invading people’s homes and violating our privacy for over a millennium. It has gone on far too long, and we are proud to say that the University of Windsor Campus Police will finally be joining the hunt for this rogue.” The officer looked over the crowd with a tired stare. The bags under his eyes were huge, almost large enough to carry the burden of this campus’ safety. Almost, but not quite.
“Witness testimony states that this individual has every citizen of the world under constant surveillance. This is an attempt to gauge the moral worth of each and every one of us,” Elwes continued. “He knows when we are sleeping, and he knows when we’re awake. He keeps lists of all those he deems ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’ as an act at playing God.”
The Special Constable then went into detail describing the alleged use of unpaid labour for the mass manufacture of children’s toys. There are claims that this so-called ‘Santa Claus’ exploits elves, of all things, to achieve mass production. This is thought to take advantage of a simple legal loophole: you cannot violate human rights if you don’t employ humans–no matter how inhumane and immoral your actions may be.
Additionally, many reports of this ‘workshop’ indicate that it is located in the North Pole. This is likely another legal strategy since the territory in question technically constitutes ‘international waters.’ Nevertheless, countries all over the world have taken action.
The United Nations has formed a task force for the sole purpose of eventually apprehending Claus. The Santa Crimes and Regulations Organization Operating for Global Enforcement, or SCROOGE, has reached out to all levels of law enforcement throughout the world, encouraging cooperation and sharing of resources on an unprecedented scale, to tackle this unprecedented threat to global security.
Civilians around the world are encouraged to do their part, as well. If you live with a child, ensure that there are no methods of surveillance that Claus might use. A common method reported is for him to station an elf on a shelf within a home.
Those who live in buildings with open chimneys have been instructed to barricade these areas from the rest of the home. Do not leave out any milk or cookies, as these have been known to attract the attention of Claus. If you hear the sound of hooves against your rooftop at night, you are encouraged to remain in bed and do not engage with the suspect.
Claus has been known to use many aliases. Be wary of anyone claiming to be Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, or Pelznickel. Similarly, if you know anyone who claims to be related to the Krampus, call the SCROOGE hotline as soon as you can. He has also employed impostors in shopping malls throughout the world to send law enforcement on a wild goose chase.
This is the season to give, and readers are implored to give whatever information they can to SCROOGE to stop this menace. If we all work together, we can make this winter a safe one.
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